Invitation Etiquette Dilemma:
Asking for money in lieu of gifts

There are various reasons why many couples prefer to receive money instead of gifts. You already know that the invitees will most likely bring a gift, so why not just ask them to bring cash instead? Wooo, wait a minute!

Honestly, there isn't a nice way to ask for money instead of gifts. You can do it if you insist on being tactless, but some people will be terribly offended. You shouldn't try to direct your guests' generosity in advance to something you want instead, whether it's cash or anything else--as if you are entitled to gifts of your choice (or to gifts at all, for that matter).

It is considered bad manners for the bride and groom to mention anything in writing, such as placing a note in their invitations, indicating that they want monetary gifts, or where they are registered. It is presumptuous of the couple to tell guests what they expect or to imply that a gift is expected at all! Remember, this is not about the gifts or the money, this is a party celebrating your love and union, not a gift grab. If you get something you don't want, too bad (it should only be the worst problem you ever have!). It is up to the guests to do what they want. Many guests, of course, want to know what would please the couple most, but ultimately every gift is voluntary, let alone size and type of gift.

Word of mouth through friends is the only appropriate and tasteful way to inform guests about your preference to cash rather than gifts. Even then, it is only appropriate to mention it if someone asks where the happy couple is registered. Get someone responsible and tactful, such as your parents, to discreetly spread the word around about the intended purpose for your wedding cash. This keeps things low-key and helps to let people know what the money will be used for. Example: you'll be pooling your wedding money to furnish your new home or to pay for a better honeymoon. Guests are likely to feel more comfortable writing a check if they know where the money is going. When guests inquire, it is okay for the wedding party and family mention that cash is preferred, but if a guest directly asks the bride, she shouldn't ask for money. Instead she should say something like "a gift isn't necessary, just your presence alone will make our wedding day happy" and if the guest further pursues she could mention what room they're decorating next or where they are registered.

If you do receive gifts you cannot use, either try returning the gift, selling it, or make a generous donation to a charity. Remember that wedding gifts are not an entry ticket to your reception--your guests don't have to buy you anything. And whatever you receive, whether a check or another fondue set, accept any gifts you get graciously and write a sincere thank you note.